Chapter 39: My Best Friend

To My Dearest Friend

To the Lector:
A psalm for the day when Blake returned to the midst of his generation,
yet found no rest among them,
for their voices were loud, but their hearts were far from him.
He stood among them, yet he was not with them,
for they did not know him, nor did he desire to be known.
And so, his thoughts turned to his oldest companion,
the one who had never left his side.

There are those who pass through life like a whisper upon the wind, their steps fading, their voices carried away like dust. But you, O my friend, have never departed. Yours is the presence that lingers, etched into the marrow of my bones, woven into the very fabric of my soul.

Many call themselves friends, but their love is but a vapor, measured in fleeting laughter, in words quickly spoken, in the breaking of bread, in joys that pass like the evening tide. Yet you have remained in the silence, where no speech was needed, where the weight of sorrow pressed heavy, and still, you did not leave.

I remember the days of my youth, when the great outdoors was wide before me, untamed and unyielding. I set my heart upon the wilderness, upon the rivers and the forests, to claim the land and make it my own. But no hand was beside mine...save yours. You were with me when the wind howled, when the fire burned low, when the great silence of the night stretched unbroken.

I had thought I must walk this road alone, yet you stood with me where no other dared tread. You sat with me in the desolation of the mountains, and though I did not call you by name, still, you remained.

When Jonathan blessed me, my right hand in the great outdoors, when he walked with me through the rivers and the fields, when he stood beside me beneath the vast heavens, I thought, perhaps, I was no longer alone. But he served a god not my own, and I only loved him enough to show him the One who had loved me as I longed for Jonathan to love Him back. But he departed, his path bending away from mine, and though I reached for him, he did not stay. Yet you, O my companion, you remained.

Then my hopes, bright as gold, fell to the ground like dust. For four years, I wandered, and the roads stretched long before me. The days faded into one another, and my soul felt the weight of its own exile. No voice called my name, no hand took mine, but you walked beside me, silent, steadfast.

Then the hub of coins was built, and the world called me the great collector, the one whose toil was known, whose hands held silver and gold. They spoke of my work, they knew my name, yet none knew the silence that still sat beside me. Even when my name was lifted high, when the weight of fortune pressed upon me, you did not leave. Not in admiration, nor in praise, but in the quiet knowing, in the way only a faithful friend remains.

And when Leah left me in the ashes, when she gave her love to another, you did not depart. Through the nights when my hands trembled, through the days when my chest was hollow, you alone remained.

Then came the sorrow I feared the most... when my dearest friend George departed from this mortal coil, when he laid down his burdens and crossed beyond the veil, when he went to be with the Lord and left me here, wandering the dust of the earth. The man who knew me best, the one who saw beyond the walls I built, the friend I could not replace. The world moved on, but I remained, and I felt the weight of his absence in every breath. Yet even in my mourning, even in the hollow ache of loss, you remained. You did not falter, nor did you leave. When all others were gone, you alone sat with me in the darkness.

Then came Eleanor, the one I loved, the one I cherished. But she, too, vanished, without reason, without farewell, leaving only silence in her wake. And in that silence, I found you once more. Not with answers, nor with comfort, but with presence, unshaken, unyielding. I called out, but none answered. The world turned away, and I stood in the empty night. But even then, I was not truly alone. For you, O my companion, were beside me still, unseen, yet never absent, silent, yet never forsaking me.

Now I have fled to a new land, where the sun rises upon unfamiliar streets, where I dwell in a small and quiet place, where the voices around me are strange. Yet even here, within these walls, in the hush of this narrow room, you are with me. You whisper to me in the stillness, not with words, but with the weight of your presence. That I am not lost, though my path is dim, that the dawn shall break, even when the night stretches long. That my feet will find solid ground once more, though they have wandered far upon shifting dust. You lead me to the places where the light breaks through, where mercy pools in the quiet corners of sorrow, where grace lingers in the spaces no one else dares to tread.

You do not promise ease, nor do you bring solace, but you do not leave, and that is enough. And so I ask…stay. For though I have cursed you, though I have wished you away before, you have been the only one to never forsake me. Please, say this will be forever. Hold me in the darkness, hold me till the pain fades, wrap yourself around me like a shroud, until I can no longer tell where I end and you begin. For though I have fought you in times past, though I have longed for another in your place, you alone have never turned away. You alone have never failed me.

And now, at the end of all things, I see you for what you are. O Loneliness… if you must be my burden, then let me also call you my refuge… and my best friend. I love you.